Strike A Pose

Hello friends. It’s me, Pugsley, checking in. I hope you’re all having a great January so far. Remember the pajamas my cousin Craig bought me for Hanukkah? The ones that were so small I had to wear them as a scarf? Well, he exchanged them for my size. Mom wasn’t allowed to tell me because he said he didn’t want me calling him every day to see if they arrived. PajamasSo here I am modeling them for you. Notice how I have that far away glance off to the side of the camera with just the right amount of head tilt to camouflage any turkey neck….not that I have a turkey neck or a double chin or anything. Models usually have that look because they’re glazed over from starvation. Not me; I’m a perfectly healthy specimen of pugkind.

I’m too sexy for my shirt too sexy for my shirt too sexy it hurts!

I’ve been online searching for modeling agents. Today pajamas; tomorrow underwear.

Mark Wahlberg, Antonio Sabato, Jr. and Kellan Lutz – YOU’RE NO PUGSLEY GOLD!

Hey Calvin Klein, what’s a kid have to do to get a billboard in Times Square? I’ll have my people call your people.

For now, it’s time for my beauty sleep.

Kisses and Misses, Pugsley

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Don’t Try This At Home

Hi friends. Today was a very scary day at our house. Mommy had some down time and decided to tackle the long overdue project of changing the toilet seat. She got the pliers and a wrench from the tool box, positioned herself on the bathroom floor with her head under the bowl and began to try to unscrew the cheap ass plastic bolt that was holding the cheap ass plastic toilet seat on top of the bowl. And a special thank you goes to the plumber who installed that crap <I say with sarcasm in case you can’t detect it>.

My mommy is not a dummy and has done this before, but I have to tell you, it was pretty darn ugly. That sucker just wouldn’t budge. She tried for about 15 minutes then went for a screwdriver, which we both knew wouldn’t work because the slits in the plastic screws are too large for the screwdriver.

I jumped in to take a closer look – well really I thought it was nap time since she was lying on the floor so long so I tried to snuggle between her and the toilet. That was a mistake. I could have been maimed. And the words that came out of mom’s mouth should not have been said in the presence of little kids. If I said them, I would be grounded for months.

Mom texted Uncle Drew Pincus and asked him if there was some secret guy code to replacing a toilet seat that she wouldn’t know because she’s a girl. Uncle Drew told her to get a quarter or a nickel to use to turn the screw. They were both too big and by the time mom got to the dime and tried to leverage it with the pliers, we both knew this was a futile waste of time and effort, not to mention that we thought the dime would break along with mom’s fingers.

I know there’s a sign near the toolbox that reminds mom that for her own safety she is not allowed to use power tools. I begged her not to get the power drill. I was already headed to the phone to make a hotel reservation and call the plumber. I personally didn’t care because I don’t use the toilet, but I knew this would end badly.

So mom then called Uncle Richard Shane because she had to talk about business with him anyway. She asked him what he would recommend. He said to get a hammer. Holy _ _ _ _! Not the hammer mommy!!!

Mom decided that before she took a hammer to porcelain, in a last ditch effort, she checked the Internet – that cyber place where you can find anything you could possibly imagine, no matter how significant or inane. Aha! There’s a Book for Dummies about everything! The first line says, Replacing a toilet seat is quick and easy. They must have meant the first lie, not line! Quick and easy are not the first words that come to mind.

So after lying on the floor, hugging the toilet and wrestling with the seat hardware, she took the pliers and broke the damn – I mean darn – seat off. Yippeee! Mom won! She had the new one on in minutes and this one has shiny chrome hardware and hopefully will outlive us all.

Mom and I went downstairs to get some water and simultaneously looked at each other quite puzzled and asked when it got dark outside. How long were we under the toilet? What day was it? Most importantly, did I miss my dinner? I had already missed my nap and I was cranky.

I would show you the finished project, but I’m keeping my distance from the bathroom. You’ll just have to trust me. And please pray that tomorrow our house will be a project-free zone.

Pugs & Kisses, Pugsley

Pugsley’s Top Ten New Year’s Resolutions

Hi friends. It’s that time of year when my mom makes me sit down and write my New Year’s Resolutions. She’s written affirmations this year; you know, all the things she wants to create in her life. I wanted to do affirmations, such as “This year I’ll be surrounded by a never ending supply of treats,” but I’m not quite ready for that since I allegedly have some slight behavior modification to do first. I don’t know why everyone else can’t modify their behavior according to what I want. Oh right – mom said that’s obnoxious.

So I’ve thought about it quite a bit last week and here are my Top Ten New Year’s Resolutions for 2013:

10. I resolve to differentiate between my toys and mom’s toys and not chew on the expensive things like her cell phone, computer equipment,  remote controls, flash drives, DVDs and tables. Yep, I said tables.

9. I resolve to play with other kids at the park and not be a mama’s boy and sit next to her under the picnic table. I can’t help it if I like hanging with the adults better than the weird kids who fetch sticks. What a waste of time and energy and all that running just to end up in the same place.

8. I resolve not to jump onto the refrigerator shelf and pull things out every time mom opens the door. And I resolve not to stand on my hind legs and pull food off the counters and other stuff off the coffee table. It’s always a surprise to see what my paw can find. Mom was not happy with me when her mother’s Limoges bowl went crashing to the ground. That was a bad night.

7. I resolve not to get revenge on mom by pulling all of her important papers off the desk and then peeing on them when she goes out without me. Why do I care? It’s not like I have to clean it up or take them to my meetings.

6. I resolve not to cry, snort or complain when mom brushes my teeth. It’s for my own good really. The ladies like boys with chicken flavored toothpaste breath.

5. I resolve not to sniff every blade of grass on the block when it’s cold, snowy or 99 degrees with a zillion percent humidity.

4. I resolve to sit quietly buckled onto on my zip line in the back seat of the car and not cry constantly or jump up and smack mom in the head while she’s driving. And if she goes through a drive-thru, I resolve not to stick my big pug head into the bag and steal her french fries.

3. I resolve not to play topple the trash cans onto the floor and pull all the garbage out. And if I do, I resolve to clean it up. (That’s so not going to happen.)

2. I resolve not to act tough in front of our mailman, especially since he sometimes brings me mail. What’s a few ankle bites between friends anyway?

……….and my #1 New Year’s Resolution for 2013:

1. I resolve to love my mommy unconditionally (even when she’s too busy to give me belly rubs) and give her lots of snuggles, hugs and kisses when I’m not running across her face to wake her up in the morning or diving onto her from the top of the sofa when she’s reading or watching TV.

 

Feel free to send me your resolutions if you want. I’d like to see them.

Love, Pugsley