Don’t Try This At Home

Hi friends. Today was a very scary day at our house. Mommy had some down time and decided to tackle the long overdue project of changing the toilet seat. She got the pliers and a wrench from the tool box, positioned herself on the bathroom floor with her head under the bowl and began to try to unscrew the cheap ass plastic bolt that was holding the cheap ass plastic toilet seat on top of the bowl. And a special thank you goes to the plumber who installed that crap <I say with sarcasm in case you can’t detect it>.

My mommy is not a dummy and has done this before, but I have to tell you, it was pretty darn ugly. That sucker just wouldn’t budge. She tried for about 15 minutes then went for a screwdriver, which we both knew wouldn’t work because the slits in the plastic screws are too large for the screwdriver.

I jumped in to take a closer look – well really I thought it was nap time since she was lying on the floor so long so I tried to snuggle between her and the toilet. That was a mistake. I could have been maimed. And the words that came out of mom’s mouth should not have been said in the presence of little kids. If I said them, I would be grounded for months.

Mom texted Uncle Drew Pincus and asked him if there was some secret guy code to replacing a toilet seat that she wouldn’t know because she’s a girl. Uncle Drew told her to get a quarter or a nickel to use to turn the screw. They were both too big and by the time mom got to the dime and tried to leverage it with the pliers, we both knew this was a futile waste of time and effort, not to mention that we thought the dime would break along with mom’s fingers.

I know there’s a sign near the toolbox that reminds mom that for her own safety she is not allowed to use power tools. I begged her not to get the power drill. I was already headed to the phone to make a hotel reservation and call the plumber. I personally didn’t care because I don’t use the toilet, but I knew this would end badly.

So mom then called Uncle Richard Shane because she had to talk about business with him anyway. She asked him what he would recommend. He said to get a hammer. Holy _ _ _ _! Not the hammer mommy!!!

Mom decided that before she took a hammer to porcelain, in a last ditch effort, she checked the Internet – that cyber place where you can find anything you could possibly imagine, no matter how significant or inane. Aha! There’s a Book for Dummies about everything! The first line says, Replacing a toilet seat is quick and easy. They must have meant the first lie, not line! Quick and easy are not the first words that come to mind.

So after lying on the floor, hugging the toilet and wrestling with the seat hardware, she took the pliers and broke the damn – I mean darn – seat off. Yippeee! Mom won! She had the new one on in minutes and this one has shiny chrome hardware and hopefully will outlive us all.

Mom and I went downstairs to get some water and simultaneously looked at each other quite puzzled and asked when it got dark outside. How long were we under the toilet? What day was it? Most importantly, did I miss my dinner? I had already missed my nap and I was cranky.

I would show you the finished project, but I’m keeping my distance from the bathroom. You’ll just have to trust me. And please pray that tomorrow our house will be a project-free zone.

Pugs & Kisses, Pugsley

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