Helloooooo everyone. Some of my lady fans (and you know who you are) have sent me messages saying that I have been lax in my communication. I apologize! I had some serious physiological and psychological issues that needed my attention. I can now announce what’s going on:
I’M GONNA BE A MOMMY!!!!
You read that right. Sir Pugsley, the boy wonder, stud muffin that I am is gonna be a mommy. It was a shock to me too.
Mom came home one day and found an empty snack size bag of Reese’s Peanut Butter eggs on the floor. (Mom really needs a new hiding place.) There were only a few itty bitty eggs left and mom wasn’t sure if I had eaten them because she didn’t see any wrappers on the floor. (More on that later.)
Mom was talking to Aunt Karen about it and she said that I had baby chicks growing in my tummy and I was going to lay my eggs for Easter.
BABY CHICKS? I DON’T KNOW NUTHIN ‘BOUT BIRTHIN NO BABY CHICKS!!!
Aunt Karen is a big health care executive so she knows what she’s talking about. So after my initial panic, I had to do my homework. Exactly how am I going to lay these eggs? Hello….it’s not like I have a womb. And how many baby chicks am I going to have and what do I do with them after they hatch? Do they have to sleep in my bed? Will I get FMLA leave? So many questions…..
While I was dealing with this trauma, I had to go on a business trip to Harrisburg. You all know that I’m the PA League of Women Voters Pawliamentarian and it was our board meeting weekend.
Ms. Susan, our 1st Vice President, made nameplates for everyone. I’m not sure why? Maybe she thought the ladies would forget their names. In any event, when we walked into the board room, guess who else had an official nameplate? That’s right – ME! I’m official now too. I had my own seat at the table and everything. Our accountant seemed puzzled when he walked in and looked around the table. I guess he’s not used to seeing boys at the meeting.
Here I am presiding over an important vote.
The ladies got me so upset that my jacket fell off my shoulders. Since I couldn’t determine who it was who chimed in, I had to invoke Pugsley’s Rules. I went around the room to determine who would be the second on the motion. I started with One Potato, Two Potato and decided that it was taking too long so I switched to Eenie Meenie Miney Moe. When I got to Ms. Nancy, I noticed that she had a banana in her bag and I dove in.
Sigh…..of course my head got stuck. I thought the hotel concierge was going to have to call the paramedics to come with the Jaws of Life. We took an unscheduled break while mom and another board member extricated me from the bag. After that, I was banned from further snack breaks and just as someone put the Peeps on the table. I hate when that happens.
What was even worse was that when the meeting resumed, I was informed that I needed to use Robert’s Rules of Order.
WHO’S ROBERT? I DON’T KNOW ANY ROBERT?
This so-called Robert person wasn’t even at the meeting. When he presides, he can use his rules. When I’m in charge, we use Pugsley’s Rules!
The next morning, my mom went to breakfast first and when Aunt Marita arrived, she told mom that when she left the room I was working on opening the refrigerator door.
Everybody always tattles on me. I want my own room next time!
After the meeting ended, I prepared for my big date with Trixie. I dressed in my muscle shirt. I wanted to impress her with how ripped I am.
Mom drove me to Aunt Rae’s house to meet up with Trixie and my email buddy Pooky. They live in a camp called Hill.
Hey mom, why can’t we live in a camp like Trixie and Pooky?
Nevermind. They don’t live in a camp. That’s the name of their town.
To make a long story short, my date was a bust. Trixie was just not that into me. I know, right? How could that be possible? Maybe she was just playing hard to get. Well you know, sometimes when you play hard to get, you don’t get got. Whatever! Her brother Pooky and I hung out. We chased bunny rabbits and did boy stuff.
Aunt Rae took our picture. That’s Pooky next to me on his throne. Trixie was still playing hard to get and hid in the corner. It’s her loss, really.
Aunt Rae gave me a box of oatmeal treats that she buys for her kids at the farmer’s market. A few days after we got home, I broad jumped onto the dining room table and ate my treats. About 4:30 the next morning, those oats came pouring out of me from everywhere. OMG! I must have had the cleanest GI tracts in the county. Guess what else? Those Reese’s Peanut Butter Egg wrappers reappeared. Mom went through a roll of paper towels and lots of cleaning supplies. In my opinion, it would have been easier to just hose down the house.
I emailed Pooky and told him what happened. He said that I wasn’t supposed to eat the whole dozen at one time.
WHY DON’T COMPANIES PUT INSTRUCTIONS ON THE PACKAGES? THAT’S HOW I GOT INTO TROUBLE LAST TIME.
So I’ve been recovering from my upper and lower GI episode and preparing for the arrival of my chickies. I hope they look like me. Mom hopes they act like someone else….anybody else.
I’ll keep you posted!