Keeping watch over my high maintenance mom, that’s what I’ve been doing!

My mom never ceases to give me hours of ammunition…I mean stories….to share with you. I’m so lucky I have the mom that I do because without her I wouldn’t have nearly so much to say. So get comfy……..

About a month ago my mom had minor surgery on her eyelid. Somehow her upper tear duct disappeared. She didn’t even know she had one of those. Have you ever met anyone whose tear duct just one day vanished? Welcome to my world!

She had been telling the ophthalmologist and her PCP for nearly three years that her eye was tearing and twitching constantly. Neither of them could figure it out. Finally the ophthalmologist referred her to a tear specialist. Boy I wish I was there. She came at mom with a long pointy dagger kind of thing and stuck it in her lower tear duct. Then she squirted saline in it with an even longer pointier syringe. All this while mom was awake. MY MOM FREAKS OUT WHEN THEY GIVE HER DROPS.

So the tear specialist had her see another specialist who did the same exact thing in her lower duct and then he checked the upper duct and said it wasn’t there. REALLY? THE DOCTORS NEVER THOUGHT TO CHECK HER TEAR DUCTS THREE YEARS AGO?

So mom decided to have the surgery and hoped that the tear duct was there somewhere. It was. My mom couldn’t believe she was awake while the doctor numbed her eyelid with another long pointy needle then sliced into it and opened the duct. The doctor had no idea why her eyelid grew over it. She’s just so happy that she’s not tearing anymore and random people she meets in the supermarket have stopped asking her why she’s crying. The best part was that when she got home from the doctor’s office, she was numb up to her forehead. She went back to sleep and didn’t even know that I was drawing on her head with my Sharpie. Sure, I got in trouble and it was so worth it.

Several days later she had to oversee an election at one of the Philadelphia schools. Her hair dryer broke that morning so there she was leaving the house with crazy hair and a bruised and swollen eye. SHE LOOKED SOOOOOO PRETTY snort hahahahahahahaha <CLUNK> Darn, it’s happening again. I just can’t stop laughing. You should have seen her. She hid her phone so that I couldn’t take her picture. Of all times to have her hair dryer break. There were reporters all over the school and TV and video cameras in her face and my mom looked like a hot mess. Hahahahahahahaha <CLUNK>  Mom told everyone that my dinner was late and I punched her which, for the record, is completely untrue. And also for the record, how am I sposed to be a good nurse when my patient doesn’t cooperate? Antibiotic eye drops four times a day for two weeks seemed so unnecessary when everyone knows doggie tongues heal boo boos. I don’t know why my mom wouldn’t let me lick her eyeball.

Anyway, on Mother’s Day, mom took me to the cemetery with her to see my grandmom and pop-pop. My pop-pop’s birthday was a few days later. Mom acts surprised every time I walk over my pop-pop and paw at the grass. I know he’s there. It’s customary to leave a rock on the grave when you visit. I left something else hee hee. No sillies, not ON their graves. I found a little patch of buttercups nearby. My mom cleaned up so that the other people who live there wouldn’t get angry. I also watered all the azalea bushes. Now they’ll grow nice and tall. Afterward we went to visit my Aunt Marita and then Aunt Kelly and Maya. I love that everyone wants to hang out with me, but it was a lot of driving all over the city and I get a little rammy in the car sometimes. I was completely zausted by the time we got home. Mom was so happy when I fell asleep in the car and snored all the way home.

Last weekend was Bark in the Park at the Phillies game. By the time mom realized it, the tickets were sold out. I gave mom the middle paw and guess what? It’s true, mommies really do have eyes in the back of their heads.

I’m hungry. Hang on a second………don’t go anywhere………..

Does anybody else want a snack while I’m in here?

Yum. I love leftovers!

So mom is still taking her Ikebana classes and bringing home pretty flowers for us to enjoy and she started bead weaving again. She’s doing these hobbies to relax. The flower arranging makes sense. The beading not so much. I’m not sure why she sticks the needle in her fingers before she puts it through the beads. I looked at the instructions and it doesn’t say anything about sticking yourself with the needle first. All I know is that I sat next to her with the Neosporin and bandages and every time she said, “ouch,” I gave her another bandage. She didn’t look at all relaxed. The other night I finally threw the instructions on the floor after she fixed an error and then couldn’t get the needle re-threaded. She may have wanted to continue, but I had had enough of this finger poking hobby for one night. I’ll share photos if she ever finishes her project.

As if this isn’t enough relaxation, mom bought a workout trampoline. Most of you have met my mom. At what point did she think this wouldn’t end in an injury? I swear, my mom should not be allowed out unsupervised.

I TOLD YOU NOT TO JUMP WITHOUT A HELMET MOM!!!! AND WAIT UNTIL I COME INTO THE ROOM TO CATCH YOU! JUST DON’T BREAK ANYTHING IN CASE YOU GO FLYING ACROSS THE ROOM!

I have The Rothman Institute on speed dial.

I’M NOT TALKING ABOUT BONES; MORE LIKE THE TABLE OR GOD FORBID THE TV!

If she crashes into the TV it’s coming out of her allowance and she’s gonna be grounded all summer.

I don’t know how much more relaxation I can take. My nerves are shot and now I’ve developed an eye twitch.

Oh wait, I’m not even finished yet. I forgot about her foray into gardening. It took mom two hours to pull the weeds from the flower beds. All the snow and rain drove those roots down about three feet I think. Then she attacked the weeds on the lawn.

Pretty, isn’t it? She got the weeds alright. Guess whose next trip to Home Depot was for grass seed? I just love it when she accuses me of breaking the house. I’m too embarrassed to face the neighbors. Our lawn better not be on the agenda at the next civic association meeting!

I’m announcing now that I’m going on a mental health vacation and I need someone to watch my mom. You don’t have to take full days. You can split shifts or take a few hours here and there. Seriously, she cannot be left to her own devices. Call, text or email me if you can help.

It’s very quiet in the next room. I better go check to see where my mom landed.

Until next time…………..

Pugs & Kisses (and anti-anxiety meds), Pugsley