My mom and I have spent lots of time on opposite sides of the room lately. First I got a timeout. Then I gave her one. This continued for a number of days. I’ve been setting the alarm on my phone for her timeouts and she tells me verbally when mine are over……no alarm clock or anything. My mom is TERRIBLE at math and I have a sneaking suspicion that she’s giving me 10 minutes for every one minute of her timeouts. I can’t tell time so I can’t be certain. All I know is that her timeouts are over pretty quickly and yet I sit in my corner half the day.

So what sent me to timeout initially?

Mom was reading the newspaper and got up to get something. I wanted to see which article she was reading. I can’t help it if I’m not anatomically able to turn the pages.

I got her back though. My mom does not listen. After her gardening fiasco in May, I thought she would leave the landscaping to trained professionals like my friend Scott Shablin of Scott Shablin Landscaping. Nope. Not my mom. We still have the brown spots where she killed the grass. Then some of the neighbor kids were playing and trampled one of our rose bushes. We’re very upset about that. Even so, I can’t blame my mom for that one. I can blame her for this:

Welcome to my beanstalk! I’m expecting Jack to come sliding down any day now. It didn’t start out as a nearly 6′ stalk of leaves. It entered the ground as 3 Daylily bulbs. Do you see any lilies? Me neither. None. Nada. Zip. Zilch. Zero. Not a Water Lily, Calla Lily, Lily Pad, Lily Tomlin, Easter Lily, Lily of the Valley, Eli Lilly, Tiger Lily, Stargazer Lily or Lily Munster.

Why didn’t my mom know it was going to grow this tall? It’s hiding one of our healthy rose bushes that will probably never be seen again from the street. I feel so sad for the poor little rose bush.

Sigh! Why does my mom do this? I know all the neighbors are talking about us.

Moving on to other topics…….

When I last checked in, I was preparing to send my resume to Mia at Earth Wood & Fiber. I got all gussied up so that I wouldn’t be caught stinky at the last minute in case she calls me for an interview. I even used my Bad Boy conditioner cause I know that girls can’t resist a bad boy. I’m not really bad. I’m just inquisitive. Mom couldn’t find shampoo and conditioner called A Little Bit Naughty and Curious so she bought me Bad Boy. It smells so manly! Mom can’t figure out why the shed control shampoo made me shed. She thought it was supposed to stop my shedding. She said they should have called it Don’t Bother. So much dead hair came off of me that I almost had a brother. I guess the shampoo makes it a controlled molting.

                      Where’s My Rubber Ducky?

I have the same problems that you humans do – I can’t reach my back. I asked my mom to help me. We made a deal that she could take a photo and post it on the blog. So she scrubbed my back with her exfoliating gloves. It felt soooooo good! Now my skin is smooth like a Chinese Crested’s butt. Thanks mom for doing this for me. Although, I am a bit unnerved by the puppy porn photo you just posted. <Note to self: change my password!>

I got another timeout when I jumped out of the tub and flooded the bathroom and then ran around the house and rolled on the sofa.

My mom felt a cyst-like thing on my leg yesterday. She had never felt it before so she took me to the doctor tonight. When we walked into the office, there was a little Pug named Angel in the waiting room. We had never seen another Pug in the office. And guess what happened next? Another little Pug named Misha came in. The nurse said it was a Pugsley party.

A party? For me? It wasn’t my birthday or my adoption anniversary so it really was a surprise. The girls were half my size. Well in length anyway. They were roly poly round and Misha had the largest eyeballs I had ever seen. They make mine look tiny. You can sorta kinda see them in the photo even though it’s blurry because my mom was laughing.

     Stop fighting. There’s enough of me for both of you!

The nurse told my mom that she calls all Pugs Pugsleys and she didn’t realize that Pugsley was my name because someone else checked us in. I was bummed after that. I took my place under a chair and only stuck my head out a few times because I was nosy. My mom said that the nurse was just kidding and it really was a party for me. Yippee!

When it was our turn to see the doctor, she took me back into the lab and aspirated the cyst. I didn’t even cry or need a bandage because my blood clots so well. The doctor said it was a subcutaneous something or other. A WHAT? The doctor made it sound like she was going to have to dig straight through my leg. She told us that it was nothing to worry about and it wasn’t something that needed to be removed unless it grows. I hope it doesn’t grow like our beanstalk.

I wanted to look at the cells through the microscope and the doctor wouldn’t let me. I also wanted a photo of my cells to show you. The doctor said she couldn’t take a photo for me. Couldn’t or wouldn’t? I haven’t had gross medical photos since my surgery. My mom went for her annual smushing of the ta tas last week. Her hospital has a new 3-D machine so I asked her to bring me the images so that I could show all my friends.

Guess what she said?

Now I have to tell all my friends that they don’t get to see the ta tas. I was going to sell tickets and everything. My mom makes it difficult to be an entrepreneur.

Mom was back in timeout. First for scaring me and then for not sharing her photos. I was back in timeout for printing tickets and emailing all of my friends to come to the house.

My neighbor, Roscoe, doesn’t have email so I had to go down the street and tell him personally.

Yeah, he was upset. He said he was going to have to watch TV and hoped that he could find something better than the Phillies game.

I told him to check out the show Extreme Couponing on TLC. Have you ever seen it? I’ll give my apologies now in case someone reading this is an extreme couponer. If you are, will you share your story?

As I was saying…….that’s the craziest show I ever saw. People spend 30 – 60 hours a week clipping coupons, buying coupons from a clipping service, dumpster diving, researching coupons online, making spreadsheets and then putting everything into a binder that weighs about 30 lbs. Then they go to the grocery store, spend about 10 hours there, and buy thousands of dollars worth of stuff and pay practically nothing for it all. Some people end up getting money back.

Can someone tell me why anyone would need 1,000 tubes of toothpaste, 300 razors, 150 jars of pasta sauce and boxes of pasta, 500 boxes of cereal and especially why a teenage guy would have 200 boxes of lady products just because they were free? Is he using them as sponges?

Really, can you tell me why? This is not a rhetorical question. I swear one lady’s husband was ready to divorce her for taking over his man cave with body wash and energy drinks.

I figured out one of the secrets. Wherever these people live, their grocery stores double the face value of their coupons, not like the stores where I live that only double coupons to $1.00. That, combined with their store cards and any catalinas they get (the coupons that print at the cash register) makes everything free or nearly free of charge.

I was convinced that my mom was taking notes so that she could start extreme couponing. I threatened her with another timeout before I hid so that she couldn’t make me her accomplice in this insanity. My mom clips coupons and buys one of something – maybe two if it’s a coupon that can only be used if you buy two products. She doesn’t buy anything that she doesn’t use just because there’s a coupon for it. My pop-pop did that. My mom’s friends would shop in our basement for the things she didn’t use. Mom always thought it was a Depression-era thing. Apparently not since so many young people do it.

I told my mom as we were watching the show that there is no way in this lifetime or the next 10 that I’m going dumpster diving for coupons. That’s a health hazard. On One Life to Live years ago, Al was beaten, thrown into a dumpster and got an infection and died. My mom knows…she and Aunt Lisette were in the studio the day they taped the dumpster scene.

Now I know that if a family falls on hard times, it makes sense to save money. And I also like that some of the people on the show donate what they buy to food banks or send care packages to our soldiers. That’s different. What these people do is just plain scary. Some of them even have their stockpiles insured.

You know people……nonperishable food eventually perishes! Most of those things have expiration dates!!! Look on the bottom of your canned goods and bottled water – even your toothpaste.

I have 42 teeth – well, 37 because I’m missing some, and I’ve had the same tube of toothpaste for 6 months. Granted, I don’t brush twice a day; my mom is happy when she can brush my teeth a few times a month without too much of a fight, but 1,000 tubes???? These people must brush every 15 minutes.

You really have to check it out and tell me what you think. Uncle Jonathan and Cousin Fred – you would be good ones to tell us because you shrink heads. My guess is that it’s the rush of getting stuff for free and seeing how much money you can save each time.

Hey, I just realized that neither mom nor I are in timeout tonight……yet. It’s cuddle time at our house!

Happy cuddling to all of you!

Love, Pugsley

Hi kids! I hope you all had a happy Independence Day weekend. I wanted to drop in to say hello, but frankly, I was recovering from all of my parties and made a conscious decision to stay off of the computer.

I was invited to Sacred Journeys last Friday night for a Summer Solstice celebration and art auction. My Aunt Shari is an artist and art therapist and she created some magnificent paintings. I asked my mom to drive me to the party and she was happy to do it. She drew the line at dropping me off down the street so I told everyone that she was my chauffeur. It’s embarrassing to be the only guest who needed his mom to drive him. If only I could reach the pedals myself………

I got to meet a lot of my online fans. Miss Kathy was there. So were Miss Maria and Miss Delia. And guess who else was there???? My Aunt Elly and Uncle Neal. I was so excited.

Mom was hanging out with me while everyone went inside to circle up. Boy, word spreads about you tinkling in someone’s house and all of a sudden you’re not invited inside anywhere.

I walked my mom around the gardens. Our first stop was the labyrinth. I never saw one with three circles and I kept stepping out of the lines. I color outside the lines too so my mom wasn’t surprised.

Then we stopped by the crystal garden………

And then the grotto and fountain…….

And then Aunt Elly came outside and told mom to go inside and join the circle. That was so nice of her. After she checked my sticky chakras, she wanted me to walk her around the yard. A short time later, Uncle Neal came outside and asked me to walk him. OMG my feet were aching! Then Uncle Jonathan came outside and I was so grateful that he only wanted to sit and snuggle. Then he passed me off to some children who were there and we played and then I got some alone time with Miss Kathy. She’s pretty. I hope she didn’t notice that I was blushing a little bit. Haripal Singh, the Sacred Journeys Kundalini Yoga guru was there and he hung out with me too. I wanted to show him my downward dog, but I was too tired from walking. I was hoping to meet Miss Karla, but nature hadn’t been kind to her so she stayed indoors.

I know what you mean about those gnats flying into your eyes. You can borrow my Doggles if you want Miss Karla.

I’m still confused about the art auction. I didn’t receive a paddle with my number on it so I went to the car and got my cell phone. All high-end auction houses like Christies and Sotheby’s take phone bids. I called Uncle Jonathan’s cell phone and he didn’t answer. How was I sposed to bid on the art? Mom said she would buy me a print after we decide which one we like the best. She said they were all beyooteeful.

And you know what else happened? Aunt Elly and Uncle Neal invited me to their Independence Day weekend barbeque. It was such a glorious day. I called dibs on anything that fell on the ground. I was hanging around the grill so much that Uncle Neal and my new friend Fred, the grillmasters, put me to work.

Fred, are you ready for me to taste the burgers to see if they need more barbeque sauce?

                       Do you need this brush yet?

We played horseshoes, badminton (I was the line judge), chased bubbles, tossed water balloons and Uncle Jonathan and Aunt Elly channeled their inner George and Martha Washington and played a colonial game with bamboo sticks and a ring. It was soooo funny to watch. I guess they didn’t have Wii in the 18th century.

                 Good catch Aunt Elly, I mean Martha 

                        And the Rocket’s Red Glare
                        Water Balloons Bursting in Air

Uncle Jonathan was filling material with pipe tobacco and making them into pouches because he’s joining Michael Flatley’s Riverdance for a whole weekend. I don’t remember seeing that in their performances. I don’t question things; Uncle Jonathan knows what he’s doing. I’m glad he didn’t invite me to tag along. I couldn’t dance for a whole weekend.

What mom? He’s not doing the Riverdance? Is it the Oceandance? Lakedance? Naturedance? Oh I give up. He’s doing some kind of dance.

I called dibs to play Thomas Jefferson when we read the Declaration of Independence. It was very disappointing when no one had a copy. I had my powdered wig, knickers and buckle shoes all ready.

Uncle Jonathan fell off the sugar-free and caffeine-free wagon. He looks so happy. Yeah, he was probably bouncing off the walls for a few hours that night.

See Unc…..I told you things go better with Coke. It’s the real thing!

The lack of the historical reenactment aside, the whole day was fun and the highlight was meeting my new girlfriend, Lucy. She followed me everywhere and I ran around a lot exploring all the trees and flowers. Her mom, Miss Maria, said she was herding me, but I know better, she didn’t leave my side all day and really, do I look like a sheep? At no point did “baaa” come out of my mouth. Lucy pawed at me, sat on my blanket with me and shared my water bowl and my dinner. She wasn’t herding; she was totally crushing on me. We were practically going steady by the end of the day.

The only thing that upset me a little bit was that I was overheated from all my playing and grilling so I was snorting a lot. I went to sit on the blanket with all the ladies….yay! Miss Karla was outside!….and they mimicked and laughed at me. Now I know how Rudolph felt. My mom said they did it because they love me. I don’t know…..I didn’t make fun of the way they talk. Maybe they thought I was a sheep too, although now that I think about it, Aunt Shari did call me Studly. That must be it. They weren’t laughing at me; they were all fighting over me and speaking my language.

Sorry ladies. I go home with the lady who brought me! And it was a good thing I can’t drive because I slept all the way home.

That’s what I call the best Independence Day celebration; being with family, friends, eating grilled food and playing……and being chased by a pretty girl.

I hope you all enjoyed your holiday!

Love, Pugsley